


Love Story

by Nope



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-12
Updated: 2007-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:40:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1624769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nope/pseuds/Nope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The epic tale(s) of the genius and his bodyguard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Story

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Ryuutchi

 

 

"This could have proceeded a little more smoothly," Artemis mused from where he was slung over Butler's shoulder, hacking satellite feeds so he could supply Butler with directions while bullets whistled past them on every side. "The other balcony?"

"Sir," said Butler as, with one powerful thrust of his massive frame, he leapt from the landing -- too slow gunmen accidentally shooting each other through the sudden gap -- and caught hold of the chandelier hanging in the middle of the open space. Momentum would have carried them to safety had not the roof, previously weakened by rocket fire, chosen that precise moment to give way.

"Who knew the Mafia would be so persistent?" Artemis asked rhetorically as they rode the falling lighting down. He was talking quickly. "Or that the Irish, Italian and Russian branches would all join up to get revenge on me for previous misdealing. Door on your left."

Butler leapt clear at the last moment -- while a half-dozen too slow gunmen were crushed by a few tonnes of cut crystal -- and rolled them both to safety, cradling Artemis from harm as they dived through the indicated door out into the grounds. The moon was out and stars twinkled and red fire blossomed behind an incoming mortar.

"Sixty-two degrees," said Artemis and Butler nodded, placed Artemis neatly on the ground, grabbed up a handy garden bench and swung it like a large, rather oddly shaped baseball bat. There was a sharp crack of an impact, a brief whistle, and then the screams and booms of heavily armed people unexpectedly having their explosives returned to sender. "Nicely done; now, through the Gazebo--"

Suddenly! Lights blazed down at them out of nowhere and yet more men with guns (although some of them may have been women, it was just hard to tell what with the matching suits and hats and Tommy guns) burst out from hidden cover, weapons at the ready.

"Stealth helicopters," said Artemis, a little impressed despite the incipient doom. "I should get a couple of those. Butler, add them to the list."

"It's right there under 'protect you with my life', sir," Butler deadpanned. "Now, get behind me." Artemis did. "And I'd just like to say that I love you and I'd like white roses around my mausoleum."

"You're not going to die," Artemis snapped, followed by, "wait, you love me?"

"Yes," said Butler, pulling out his two fairy-tech modified Sig Sauers and shooting out the rear rotors of both helicopters. They promptly spun out of control and crashed on their own men.

The explosion almost covered Artemis asking, "You mean you love me, love me?"

"Yes," said Butler. "I hope that won't be a problem for you."

"Not in the slightest," Artemis said, leaning back against him. "I can assure you, the feeling is entirely mutual. Were we not in the middle of an impending massacre, I would demonstrate."

Butler smiled. "I would have said something sooner, but I thought you might be harbouring affection towards my younger, brilliant sister. Who," he added, "it seems has miraculously and timely arrived and is, as I speak, saving our lives with an impressive combination of true grit, wrestling moves, and rather inventive Mexican expletives."

Because she had. And she was.

"It's true," said Artemis, "you sister is brave and strong and extremely attractive, but there's only ever been one Butler for me, old friend."

"There's only ever been one Fowl for me," Butler agreed. "Although in a friendly, protective way until you were of age, obviously, Artemis."

"Obviously. And, please--" Artemis draped his arms over Butler's shoulders. "Call me... Arty."

~

"And then they done sex," finished Juliet triumphantly.

Holly choked so violently on her drink that she dropped the glass, spilling red berry juice all over her Section 8 flight suit. "D'Arvit!"

"You really are crass," Minerva said, although whether she was talking about Holly or Juliet or, indeed, both of them, was anyone's guess.

The three were sat around a nice wooden table currently in the kitchen of Fowl Manor. Fresh cut and washed vegetables lay in snack trays in their easy reach and the centre of the table was littered with a vast assortment of drinks. They'd been assured the security check wouldn't take long but, until Artemis and Butler were sure the Manor was safe for the twins, they weren't taking chances. No one could leave. And so here the three women were, out of all the much more comfortable rooms in the manor: the kitchen. Typical men. Although the ready access to food and drink was a bonus.

Minerva was currently sipping Vieilles Vignes Francaises out of a cut-crystal flute, sitting elegantly in a dark leather swivel chair that had once been in Artemis's study. Juliet was drinking Corona from a tin-plated stein, sprawled out on a wooden rocking chair that had once belonged to Granny Fowl. Holly had been perched on a high wooden stool, although now she was crossing the room to grab up a towel and wipe fruit juice off her suit.

"Was it something I said?" Juliet's wide, innocent eyes were blue, although when she went back to being the "Jade Princess" (still undefeated!) they would be green again. You could do ever so many interesting things with contacts these days.

"You're lucky this is stain resistant," Holly said, glaring back.

Foaly's latest invention had been a mono-molecular coating that, once applied, made dirt and grime slide off the suit like eggs off a Teflon-coated frying pan. His first version had been so slippery no one could hold the suits to put them on, but this version was much improved. Holly tossed the towel in the sink and returned to her stool, pristine once more.

"That's how I think they'll get together," said Juliet. "We all agree, don't we?"

"We agree that Artemis and Butler are clearly meant for each other," Holly allowed. "They're the most important people in each other's lives."

"My brother told Artemis his first name."

"Artemis risked everything to get us to save Butler's life."

"Butler was devastated when Artemis was lost in time." Minerva nodded. "That part is sound. It's merely your confession scenario that we have issues with."

"You have lots of issues," Juliet said, sticking her tongue out.

"The problem with love," mused Minerva, carefully ignoring this, "is that for every complex situation it reduces to pure simplicity, there are two dozen simple situation it makes intractably complex."

"Which," Holly put in, since Juliet was staring blankly at the younger girl, "means that Butler would never tell Artemis he loves him. In that way."

"That wasn't quite what I was getting at," Minerva said, a little frostily -- then admitted, "though I can't disagree with your conclusion."

"He is incredibly loyal." Juliet sighed. "My brother would never do anything that might 'compromise the principal's security'."

"Exactly." Holly nodded, using a little magic to float the bottle of juice into reach.

"We need to formulate an alternative scenario. You see, if you consider the Butler/Artemis intersection as an eigenvector in a dynamic space--"

Holly, without looking up from pouring her drink, idly pointed her Neutrino across the table. "If the next sentence out of your mouth has the word 'quantum' in it anywhere, I will shoot you."

Minerva's eyes narrowed. "It wasn't going to."

"Was it going to involve Schrödinger?" Juliet asked. "You use that one a lot and I still don't know what a probability amplitude is. You're a bit obsessed, really."

"I am NOT--!" Minerva took a deep breath and let it out, concentrating her chi the way Butler had taught her while they were waiting for Artemis to return. "Let me put it another way."

~

The time-displaced demon roared, showing off its massive maw, lined top and bottom with twin (if mirrored) rows of extremely sharp teeth. Butler considered it for a moment and then, with expert precision, slammed his mighty fist right into the demon's forehead rune. The demon stumbled backwards, tripped over its own tail, and tumbled off the ledge, plummeting out of sight through the crowds below.

"Mind the step," said Butler.

"You are very witty," said Artemis in a soft lilt. "It suits you. You should show it more often. Of course, I've no real sense of humour, but I can recognise it in other people, like Minerva, who is also quite witty. Yes, I truly appreciate your deadpan delivery and dry style."

"Thank you," said Butler, who was incredibly modest, but not in that irritating, false, self-deprecating way that some people have, but in the way that comes from being very secure and aware of one's own many strengths, while being mindful of the very few flaws one might possible have.

"You see, Butler," Artemis continued, "as we stand here, climbing this mountain for plot related reasons, perhaps as part of yet another of my long winded plans to cling to adolescence forever instead of actually inhabiting the real world, I have had time to consider the many, many ways in which you are the perfect person. I was going to list them in alphabetical order, but I've just noticed--"

"That there is a group of demons descending on us from the slopes?" Butler asked rhetorically, pulling out his concealed guns. Sun glinting through the clouds caught for a moment in his distinguished grey hair so that, as he raised his weapons with perfect skill, it seemed as if he had his own halo, like a saint or an angel -- an angel of death for the demons, a saintly preserving saint for Artemis who otherwise would have been snapped like a twig. He aimed with precision and fired with efficiency, picking off their opponents one by one.

"My constant amazement at your unending skills both with weapons and with your own body is only matched by my appreciation for your enduring wisdom, unceasing protection, and constant presence in my life, saving me not just from all the enemies I continuously make, but from my own excesses." Artemis took a deep breath to steady to his nerves. "What I'm trying to say is, Butler: I love you."

"Oh, Artemis." Butler smiled. "You may be short and scrawny and pallid and expressionless and have mismatched eyes and misplaced fingers and regularly overestimate your own intelligence and skills, but for some strange reason, I love you too."

"Hold me," said Artemis.

Butler pulled the younger man to him, clasping Artemis to his broad chest and washboard stomach with his lovely large hands and his muscular but well proportioned arms and...

~

"I think subtext is rapidly becoming text," said Holly testily.

"I've read a lot of romance novels," Minerva started and Juliet laughed. "What?"

"We could tell."

"And there's nothing wrong with mismatched eyes," Holly added.

Minerva waved this off. "Oh, they look good on you, sure, but you've got fairy mystique."

"I've never used a glamour in my life," Holly lied. What? LEPrecon agents had bad hair days as much as anyone.

Minerva ignored this. "As I was saying, I've read a lot of romance novels, so I know how this goes. Please be quiet until I have completed my narrative. 'Butler swept Artemis up into his manly, muscled arms and--'"

"And then they done sex?" Juliet interrupted, smiling faux-innocently.

Holly grinned into her drink while Minerva sniffed in affront.

"Fine," Minerva said. "I was practically done, anyway. It's not my fault you have no appreciation for literature."

"Arty does have a lovely voice, though," mused Juliet. "Sort of musical."

"I like his accent," Holly said. The other two looked at her. "What? I'm not saying I want to bed the kid. Do I look like Butler?"

"No," said Minerva. "You are tiny and nut-brown and sort of pretty and Butler is--"

"We got what you think of my brother."

"Yes. ...hey!" Holly fumed. "What do you mean 'sort of pretty'?" She wasn't vain. Minerva just really irritated her for some reason, like a less pleasant, female, first-year-they-met Artemis. Which made her think of something. "And I thought you liked Artemis?"

"You wouldn't stop talking about him to Butler while Artemis was time-lost," Juliet agreed.

"And the two of you worked together a lot in the first few months after we got back," Holly continued, considering, "and then, after that, you -- well, you didn't stop, exactly, but these days you seem to help the twins and Butler as much, if not more."

"Got over him, huh?" said Juliet.

"He was much more interesting when I didn't really know him all that well," Minerva admitted. "As smart as I am, you'd think I would have recognised that -- which I feel only goes to prove my earlier point about emotions and obvious things."

"Love screws you up." All three nodded, although they were each thinking about different people.

"I still think my brother would confess first," Juliet said, pouring herself another beer and dropping a shot of tequila into it. She had, she would be the first to admit, picked up a few bad habits while wrestling.

"Artemis confessing is a much more viable scenario," Minerva complained. "Perhaps if your choice of libations wasn't so uncouth, you'd remember having this very conversation mere minutes ago."

"Have you noticed that the more champagne you drink, the more syllables you use?"

"What both of you have failed to consider," Holly said, waving her glass for emphasis, "is that, first, Artemis Fowl only notices real human emotion when it's been pounded into him fifty or sixty times."

Juliet smirked. Minerva looked at her quizzically and then, recognising the innuendo, blushed a little and quickly drank some more champagne.

"And second," Holly continued, ignoring this, "the boy is devious to a fault. If he tried to walk in a straight line, he'd get dizzy. No, there's only one thing would get them together."

"Lots of beer and being stripped naked and locked in a room together," said Juliet.

There was a slight pause.

"...two things," Holly said.

~

Fairy terrorists. Maybe not Opal-bad, but bad enough. Over the objections of her commander, Holly Short did the only practical thing: she called in Artemis Fowl. The raven haired boy -- although, really, it was very dark brown, not black -- met her at a secret underground station. He did not smile, but she recognised a certain glint in his mismatched eyes, a certain something in the way the much larger Butler was standing. They were both ready for this. But then what else would you expect from a teenaged supergenius and one of the most dangerous Mud Men on the planet?

The terrorists were after Merlin's Ring, Holly explained, an ancient mystical artifact that had never belonged to Merlin, wasn't a ring, and did no one knew what.

"Basically," mused Artemis, "you have no information at all."

True. They did, however, have ancient prophecies. Artemis, being fluent in Gnomish and _au fait_ with numerous encryption methods, quickly devised the resting place of the thing, whatever it was -- like most oracular things, the prophecies were both extremely dramatic and completely vague. It was a matter of minutes to get transport, mostly because Foaly made all the shuttle-port sensors lie, Butler knocked out the guards, Artemis hacked the door locks, and Holly hacked the drive systems. It was an equal divide of quasi-criminal labour, and hopefully they would all get equal pardons when they brought the bad guys in.

The bad guys, alas, had had a head start, so Holly and company exited their vehicle into the large, vaguely spherical cave, to find it full of goblins, fairies, dwarves, and oddly carved crystalline structures arranged in spiral patterns.

"Fascinating," said Artemis. "They're linked in geometric sequence."

Holly tried to work out why this was fascinating, couldn't come up with a reason, and settled on saying to Butler, "Think we can take them?"

The man grunted a taciturn affirmative, nodding at the lights. They both drew their Foaly-modified Neutrinos and shot the lamps down.

"I'll get the ringleaders," said Holly.

"I'll work out what this thing does, and stop it," said Artemis.

Butler didn't say 'I'll protect Artemis', because that's what he always did.

They activated their starlight lenses. Absent the lamps, only the faint glow of the crystal spires illuminated the place, but with the special goggles they could see as clearly as if it was mid-day. Unfortunately, so could some of the enemy, and a fire fight quickly broke out.

"My consultant's bill is going up by the second," Artemis muttered over their communicators as he carefully picked his way between spires, examining both the artifact and the terrorists work. The spherical nature of the cave was giving him ideas. Unfortunately, the terrorists had had them first. "Oh dear."

That was never a good sign. Butler absently punched out a goblin. Holly deftly downed three more.

"I think it's a particle accelerator," Artemis said. "The crystals absorb and rearrange geothermal energy -- that's why they're warm to the touch and the source of the fluorescence -- and the surrounding cave-sphere focuses it into a sort of combined magic-magnetic construct. Imagine a magnetic doughnut where the jam is superheated plasma accelerated to supraliminal speeds. I really don't think we should be in here if it's turned on."

"It would be bright?" Holly hazarded.

"Hot," said Butler shortly.

"I'm working out the control sequences now," said Artemis, plugging his laptop into the terrorists mainframe and waiting for his automated software to hack its way into theirs. It had been an effort to create a technological equivalent of the gift of tongues so that his one machine could talk to all operating systems, but it was worth it. "I'd prefer not to be interrupted or killed before I'm done."

Holly and Butler nodded and went back to committing violence in the name of justice. They hadn't found the leaders yet but -- and now everybody was running towards them instead of away. That was unusual.

"They're panicking," Butler said.

"You are very big."

"Not because of that."

There was a very familiar roar from the darkness. Butler had heard it in Fowl Manor once, the creature standing over his sister. Artemis and Holly had both heard it when trapped by Opal Koboi.

"Trolls!" Holly yelled. "Trolls in the cave!"

"I have a plan," said Artemis, "but you have to come here, now."

"You're going to turn it on," said Butler, who knew how Artemis's mind worked, but he used a dwarf as a springboard to leap back to Artemis's side.

"Didn't you say we'd all die?" Holly asked, but she too came flying close.

"Yes," said Artemis. He raised his voice. "Anyone who doesn't want to be vaporised should come and stand here in the central circle. You have fifty-eight seconds." His fingers danced rapidly over the keyboard.

The trolls roared again. Holly and Butler started pulling as many of the downed terrorists into the circle as they could.

"Everyone with magic, channel it into the dais below us. Butler -- that crystal up there, the small one in the middle at the very top of the sphere: break it."

Butler deftly snatched a buzz-baton from the nearest goblin, smacked said goblin with it when he complained, and then chucked it at the central crystal.

Lots of things happened at once. The trolls roared and charged. Goblins screamed. The small crystal broke. Artemis pressed lots of keys. Holly swore. Butler looked stern. And just as the entire cavern suddenly blazed with eldritch, crackling light, leaping from crystal to crystal until it filled every space, everyone on the dais vanished inside a purple whirling trapezoid.

 _Huh,_ thought Holly, as they all floated in other-dimensional space. She automatically tried to reach out for Artemis, but got Butler instead.

 _This is odd,_ Butler thought at her. Holly agreed.

 _Where is Artemis?_ they both thought.

There were terrified goblin and fairy and dwarf minds all around them (and the odd weird blur of unconscious fairy folk). They were still trying to sort through it all, when Artemis went and found them first.

 _Breaking the focus created a secondary loci,_ he thought at them. _I diverted that part of the crystals' energy into a localised temporal shunt -- don't worry, it won't be three years this time. All the magic pushed into the dais will snap us back just as soon as the crystal-fire dies down -- by which time the closest trolls will, sadly, be dead, and the rest will have been scared away by the light. Not bad for three minutes work._

 _Are you okay?_ Butler thought at him. _Come here._

 _I'm fine_ , Artemis thought but he automatically tried to move towards Butler.

Since they didn't, technically, have physical bodies at the moment, what actually happened was that their thoughts intermeshed, like Qweffor and N'Zal, except this wasn't domination, it was synthesis and syzygy, a perfect conjunction and combination. For a moment, Artemis was both Butler and Artemis. For a moment, Butler was both Artemis and Butler. Their souls intermingled and they knew everything, every secret hope, every secret dream, every secret, deep and long hidden love.

And then, in another blazing rush of light, everyone returned to the dark of the cave. The brightness had burnt out the starlight lenses, but Holly managed to turn on her helmet lamps. The light caught Artemis and Butler, standing together, looking at each other with awe and hope and promise, with a sense of revelation so startling she felt her own heart beat faster.

"I understand," said Artemis and reached up to touch Butler's face. "Now I understand everything." He smiled, tears in his eyes. "Oh, Butler."

As Butler rested a hand on Artemis's shoulder, Holly turned away to wipe the tears from her own eyes.

~

"And then they done sex," she added dryly.

There was a moment's silence. Holly finished her drink and poured another.

"Well, okay," said Juliet. "I grant you it's possible. But it's not very likely, is it?"

"If you consider M-theory," Minerva started and then, when the other two looked pointedly at her, quickly finished. "I mean, no, unexpected telepathic bonding is not a high-probability reoccurrence."

"It sort of happened before," Holly said. "You never know."

They all considered this in silence for a bit.

"I don't suppose there's a previously unmentioned sixth race of fairy folk?" Juliet asked.

"Not that I know of."

"Oh."

"There's always," Minerva started, then stopped. "Or maybe." She stopped again. "Or perhaps, were one to-- but then they'd-- and he'd-- and-- Hmm. No. No, that doesn't work either. Well, I'm stumped!" And she poured herself another glass of champagne. It was very good and bubbly.

"I've got nothing," Juliet agreed. "Anyway, how would get them to stand still long enough to cover them in honey?"

"Frankly," Holly said, carefully ignoring this, "the only way Artemis and Butler would realise exactly what they meant to each other is if--"

"I had been standing in the doorway for the last ten minutes?" Artemis suggested from one doorway.

"Or I had been listening to the surveillance feed while checking security," Butler suggested from the other doorway.

"Um," said Holly, ducking her head in embarrassment.

"Well," said Minerva sheepishly. "Er."

"Pretty much," said Juliet, beaming cheerfully.

"Allow me, if you will, to recapitulate," said Artemis, coming into the room but looking at Butler, not the women. "You believe that I am in love with Butler."

"And that I am in love with Artemis," added Butler, moving to meet him.

"Now, obviously I love you," Artemis said. "You've been at my side forever. I would be lost without you. I think that goes without saying."

"Obviously," agreed Butler.

"So, that is to say, were I to--"

"Yes," said Butler. "Clearly, that-- I mean, well."

"Indeed," said Artemis, his face a study of blankness.

"Quite," said Butler stoically.

"And stories are--"

"Stories."

"Fairy tales," Artemis proposed.

"Moral plays," Butler suggested. "Which is not to say I-- Do you--?"

"Do you?"

They were standing very close together now, very close but not touching at all. The air didn't crackle with the charged intensity of their interlocking gazes, mostly because neither of them was quite looking at the other.

"How, um." Artemis took a breath and started again. "How are the security measures?"

"Fowl Manor is quite protected," Butler said.

They both started to move apart again.

"Oh, good grief," Holly sighed.

"This is so depressing," Minerva complained. "It's much better in romance novels. Make them do something."

"Yeah." Juliet yelled, "shut up and snog, already!"

Butler and Artemis looked at her. Then they looked at each other, and Butler leant down, and Artemis raised himself up on tiptoe, and they both inclined their hands, and then Holly got bored waiting and sent a little spark of magic at Artemis that made him jump, and Juliet reached out and nudged Butler in the back of the knee which made him half-stumble forward, and Minerva sipped champagne and watched as the two, finally, finally, did as they had been told, and snogged already.

"Excellent," said Minerva. "I knew my plan would work."

"The 'do nothing and hope they sort themselves out' plan?" asked Holly archly.

"Yes," Minerva agreed easily.

"Don't they need to breathe?" Juliet asked.

Artemis and Butler finally broke the kiss.

"Oh," said Artemis, considered, and added, "my."

Butler smiled, just a little. "Yes."

"So you really--"

"What do you think?"

"I think," said Artemis, "that I need some protection. In my bedroom." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Everyone looked at him.

"I might need some more practice at this sort of thing," he added. "We should start on that right away, Butler. You know if I'm going to do something, I have to be the best I can be at it."

"Yes, sir," said Butler, and casually swept Artemis off his feet. The younger man wrapped his arms around the elder and, for a moment, a rare, wide, genuine smile graced his features. "Ladies."

He nodded at them, then casually carried Artemis -- who was already lifting his head for another kiss -- out of the room. They listened to his footsteps fade away up the stairs.

"It's clever how Butler managed to avoid hitting anything even with the distraction," said Minerva.

"It's a Butler thing," said Juliet.

There was a long silence.

"So I guess we can all go now?" said Holly.

They could. So they did.

~

A particularly suspicious person might ask Artemis what would prompt three women who didn't usually get on all that well to be together in a kitchen, or why that particular topic of conversation would come up, or why the kitchen would have surveillance devices, or how the security systems would happen to develop a fault at just the right moment, all in a rather conveniently coincidental way. The wouldn't get an answer, though. Artemis was busy and, besides, a magician -- and a Fowl -- never revealed his secrets.

 


End file.
